Post 7

Christmas 1998 Palenque, Mexico

Bear Witness Daddy! [‘daddy’ shouted by one of my boys]

     This is the continuation of my daily muse journal, which is also my spiritual journal, which I started with Issue 4, a journal begun in 2001, though for reasons explained in the introduction I’ve begun the postings from it starting on August 15, 2014 and will continue posting weekly roughly three days from it until it seems time to leave off for awhile. Since this is dramatic poetry, a dialogue with multiple speakers, and also a narrative of the daily events of my life as they register on the inside of me, like looking at the world from underwater, reading the introduction and beginning at Issue 4 would greatly aid in understanding the text.

Aug 29-31 2014
Each time he returned going to bed.
There are steps to the soul’s return.
Don’t fight after him. [presumably Larry, prevision he’ll reject my poems]
Gotta figure out something that reach it man,
Those poems you’ve put in your pocket.
The three would be what you say you are:
A collection gathered in the I
Soul strength,
What is soul and gone.
Missed anything I go.
As far as edits,
I bet you leave
What field until morning. [wait for morning to submit the three new poems to Collaboration (Larry), but the deeper meaning of a morning in humanity is there]
Union meets Larry.
He’s not impressed with your soliloquy,
Stutter long.
Give it to him?
That’s a That suits me traditional fountain.
Stand and be read.
What business is it of yours private?“That suits me,”
Point of view
Night time –
A dictator.
And then it goes down.
Hear Russia.
Wait, wait, wait:
After the liftoff
Of one person.
“Can I cancel it?”
You’re there
Get this on the ballot. [all uadditional lines for Character poem, go after ‘Best among refrigerator companies’ and before the line ‘The heat that’s mud on you’]
“The freedom before the fire,
That was very nice,
Try to make the Statue of Liberty
The Planet of the Apes.
That’s some shocking report
We speak to in the news.
The mind will everything.
Give this softball
Carry on
Don’t see the heart
As the doorway
To the love of God,
To soul.
Even I get help with
Putin dedicates
To nail. [all above lines for character poem. They make their own verse between ‘How about that?’ and ‘The smart hand.’]
Put it on my Facebook. [send the three new poems to Auroville Art, and I sent the video too, since it’s now by chance the biannual film festival there in a couple of weeks]
Since I was 10:
“He’s very good.”
“Have you seen him with hair?”
Give him that gold.
Tell me something:
When’s the smile gonna rise to the top of the world? [sung, a repeat line for the new song]
It’s on your notebook,
Not where you want it,
Not where you want it to stay.
To the top of the world. [sung, for the new song and the adesh to send the poems. I waited for very sure confirmation]
“How many years ago?”
“It wouldn’t take us this long.”
Cover bases.
How blindly do you follow?
“I’m tryin’
To commit myself to something.
You’re only a guest-horse.” [I was a guest in Auroville when I got kicked out, not a Newcomer or an Aurovillian]
Is that the name of Auroville,
The only Aurovillian sing?
My acceptance has to do with human unity,
Takes it through the streets.
I’m all day long.
Human Unity. [title for a short poem I didn’t send]
Has fallen asleep,
And the mind is on the lowest mental rung.
Net profound,
You’re a detective cheat. [there were 42 views from France on The Atomic Review today, after having sent the poems and video to Auroville. Interestingly enough though, not many from India]
“Can we throw this out?”
“Alright social missionary,
It’s sensitive taboo.”
You led me to sleep,
And I was led by God’s hand?
“Ain’t he cute.”
“Badam milk,
He’s sensitive.”
“See daddy.” [one of my boys’ voices]
Stepping over bombshells,
It’s not negative report.
You think Larry’s stupid –
No refrigerator for you.
Oh what would be hang me or not?
“Shut up.”
“I’m gonna make a good kid.
I make you nervous now.” [Asiya’s sneaking to talk to the girl next door]
I don’t know what’s going to happen.
Tell me what to do,
Since I don’t know.
Give him credit for the kid. [was meditating with my yoga student Matoon when these lines came, unaware that Natish was in the house, our often visiting two-year-old, and on leaving my room it was time spent with him, a good time, sacrificial: I wanted to be back with my own stuff. Sandia, his mother, looked on with thank you in her eyes]
Years ago
I knocked on your door.
Change that lock.
You need to take a break.
Put some out.
Well I was thinking you’d meet and talk about it.
Your average selfie.
“No daddy I’m
Sitting in a basket
Up on a hill.”
Glossary to terms,
You’re supposed to know it.
Goodbye Emily. [my niece, who won’t answer my emails now. As an infant I taught her to walk on my first return from India in 1996]
I just remember
That cute little baby.
“Call me a leave of absence.”
Where’s my mobile?
In TV Nagar.
You’re unbelievable.
What’s he doing alerting you?
How many people.
You have a ride home.
You have a breath of fresh air.
Go back to the origin.
Turn off my computer. [contrary muse saying to stop all I’m doing web-wise]
They came out as good guys
Because they hear the terrible
They’re trying to make.
Tie it all in the rainforest.
Why there?
You get more money.
Our own stuff is on its way.
“It’s on me daddy.”
Hear Asiya:
“I’m fighting for myself.
Got it figured out:
I leave well enough alone,
Daddy please you can go towards the audience.” [he’s pretending to ignore the girl, but secretly he’s getting closer to her so to talk to her, and the meaning here too of what’s stated, that if he doesn’t mess up and get himself and consequently our house in trouble over that girl, I get read]
The sack of that is:
You’re just a pupil away.
He told you the police station
Without any nuts. [the cops told him if he continues to talk to the girl they’ll beat him up]
A movie to start your day:
Ah please, hey!
Look who’s not working.
I am a local mother fucker.
Rein in all choose.
Cancel it.
It’s not working.
Would it also mean
That you got pregnant?
Don’t shine my hair, please.
How old do you think,
Do you think I am?
She’s got a reason for her room,
Pulled over
In the city:
I’m logical.
Well with our Asiya green?
Put him in the test.
Lemmie tell you something:
I look the pillow –
“I love you daddy.”
You got me attention to strike her?
I’m not sure what I’m talking about,
I’m not sure what the moon is talking about.
Between the houses. [between our house and the girl’s next door, just a little space, the ‘my stuff’ meaning too]
Wait, wait, wait:
This is bullshit.
I know.
I don’t understand what inner truth you’re talking about:
You world your inner truth?
Oh come on bar that window. [I’ve allowed Asiya to view and perhaps speak to the girl from his window, since he’s inside his room, and the blame would be on the girl, but the muse seems to be saying to bar that, as well as it’s about my own stuff, the contrary muse saying to stop my work online]
Hear it awesome,
Everything’s on the line
Waxen wings.
Push you open.
Essentially Carl,
Wide room.
More unusual:
High energy bill.
We have to pay it?
You never know.
If you need cheese,
Or a special kind of butter,
It is in that shop. [vision very strong and clear of the new walk-in grocery store in the neighborhood, the front of it, and I’m telling Chandru and the boys this]
You’re boring.
You know where this is?
This is nowhere man.
A week
He demanding like they speak English one hour in Japan.
I’ll be honest with yah,
Not yet.
You’re on time.
Alright then,
What about the performance?
They didn’t ask for that,
They didn’t reach for that.
I tell you he’s good.
But I miss you.
Leave it.
Say you have [sung, each word drawn out]
The individual,
Smiling. [all three lines sung, for the new song]
Stay on the grounds.
Don’t rub his heart too much.
I cannot do nothing
Except watch.
Speaking differently. [this line one of a many that were popping up on a page like quotes on the Rotten Tomatoes website, though they weren’t blurbs but white rectangular fields rounded on the corners, the lines about my stuff on the net or also about myself here at home]
Here’s the thing:
You’re good.
“What holds it keeping together?”
My soul.
Daily mop,
That’s what she’s going to do.
Get up.
“So, anyway,
Daddy the perfume is good.” [Dhina’s voice]
Did you find it? [he thinks Sandia stole his perfume housecleaning, but this is also speaking about our house, asking the audience if you found the nice smell]
Can I talk to you for a minute? [my divine to talk to me and my muse to talk to you the audience]
“What?” [you the audience asking this and also me asking the divine, though it’s in quotes as if only the audience is asking. For the most part though, this formation is the divine speaking to me. every line does not have double meaning]
Give him an artist. [Asiya is in his first year of art school, he being one, and the meaning also of you the audience give me credit for being one]
You don’t have a husband.
You have a son.
We’re gonna use him,
Of course,
For the rest of his life.
Suppose I wasn’t much cooler? [Asiya saying this and also I saying this]
You’ll speed up.
The highest time
Look where you’re at.
Isn’t that beautiful. [vision of a dog sled at or near the North Pole it seemed led by many teams of dogs, a long line of teams. Saw it from a side front view as it was coming along the snow]
They’re asking you a question baby give it answer now.
Listen to me,
Memories no. [vision of this appearing in the top left hand corner of a television set superimposed, thin writing]
And guy would think
Don’t give up. [sung, for the new song, by Peter Gabriel]

Aug 31-Sept 1


What are you doin’?
Absorbed in the police come.
When they come,
A golden opportunity.
Oh forged this.
I am so maybe.
Get all your stuff together.
I’m sure the ballot is closed.
Know about that?
No what I got now?
A paper moon,
Art supposed
Is that so hard not to see?
A music video,
We give the text to display. [came first “We show it in your absence,” but I just don’t believe that and instead chose this more ambiguous line]
“What are you doing?”
Making Patty Duke
An information tool.
Every second counts.
The only one
You get a lot of him
In the whole.
In the air
All around town
That labor of his.
“I was voyin’ your phone,
That signal.
Desktop it is,
That clockwork orange.
Dispel superstitions,
You were the perfect man.
Take to police?
No doubt,
On some level.
I explain,
I explain the whole thing.
It was there in the woods.
You die with living,
And then you’re happy,
Cold foot.
American 30?
You’re go.
Time we bring it up:
He’s gone up.
You’re all picked up.
We made it.
Maybe they’re not the winner they be told.
You get through.
I wanna know,
I wanna wake up,
Tom Horn. [these three lines sung, the sound of horn beeping after the word ‘Horn’. They were sung by a chorus, the last line slowly and sweetly]
Pick up to do so they’re on the way to delight.
Donna Stitch giving tea inside the office. [vision slightly after the line of the top portion of one of those yellow message stick ups pasted on the floor near my desk and the door]
Stitch and that’s about it. [I’d missed the last name in the above line, and it’s repeated]
Rosa Might,
After that, after that line,
Somebody just like that.
Committed to movement,
We’re committed in movement.
Good to Charlie? [an old time Aurovillian I had a conflict with giving him some muse about himself because David was working for him on his milk farm, talking to me about him, and so on my mind the muse picked it up, and I stupidly had it sent to him, a wrong use of muse and unprovoked ‘attack’ on Charlie]
Could be.
We see, [sung, see drawn out]
Through many a magical thing, [thing drawn out]
Not the air. [these lines sung, for the new song, ‘air’ drawn out very slightly. End of a dream where I was on a strange journey with a group of people making a journey video, and on three occasions we all mounted something in movement, the last the large spinning top of a piñata of sorts hanging from some bedroom or the doorway of one, us in miniature on that ride, and it was when we were filmed on something all together that the magic happened, not when we were separately filmed, but it wasn’t something you could see until you played the video back, but then it was very obvious]
Awesome Toy Story.
That way
Kate and all,
Thank you. [the other morning greatly discouraged I watched Kate Smith’s Cloudbursting video that features a cloud burster and a woman as a little girl and her inventor father, then saw her sing Don’t Give Up with Peter Gabriel, then he with another female singer, then with Tracy Chapman, and I cried the encouragement was so awesome, and I took heart]
We have a friend.
Don’t do that,
Get him away from him,
And he’s my friend also.
Donny a steak.
He’s there.
I told ‘im
Don’t eat eggs today
My favorite.
I do. [was suddenly thinking in the silent space about sending the three lines to the poem I’d not included by mistake, from the ‘Character’ poem – “Point of view / Night time – / A dictator” – as an addendum, to Auroville Art, and about using the opportunity to say why I was, because it was probable they’d ignore me but not my stuff and so on. I got up and did that, at 3:30 am]
Ta ta ta ta ton ton, ton ton, ton ton. [last 2 seemed quite separate from the other, guitar sounds I couldn’t possibly render here]
Do you like the echo,
The film in SD.
To get it that yourself,
You’re really that connected. [the guitar finger pick I need for the new song]
I do that
Basic strum, [one I’ve been practicing for the new song]
He’s gonna run.
Yeah, he wears My t-shirt.
That was the morning.
A host hit those people in the face.
This full of host,
Miss America.
They don’t realize
Five point melody
Let me apologize.
I’m out there right now
A pupil on God.
Would utter
Gonna get over darlin’.
Instead of me answering questions –
Gone over [the poem The Pupil and His Divine]
Serous life:
I woke from this hot tub.
Just take that performance.
Doesn’t move.
No it doesn’t move.
Something beyond reach and yours,
Something quite human:
Go that man
To his own house
In the bathroom
Not the Tupperware.
You’re going to have to realize
He’s not in pigs in a blanket.
That’s a direct seeing
Because the Mother
Has played with your basketball.
“I find it
You’re the pump and you’re the partner,
You’re the pump on the end.
Give him some tough skin.
You don’t like the electric chair.
I am not your fanny pack –
I’m just really comfortable.
“Can you ground break here?”
Open up,
I’ve gone all the way.
I’m a scene of the best movie.
Are you just gonna read that and smile?
Give me my homegrown TV.
Very easy tonight,
It’s ya’ll flower
(Took a minute) [vision the head of John Wayne wearing his classic battle helmet ‘let the straps hang down’ as he did in war pictures, though here it was the modern U.S. Army version, and giving a look to the audience as he turns off to leave]
He’s fine.
You don’t have an excuse bud,
Your time was up.
I was here.
Okay world of activism,
Funny, funny, funny room.

Sept 1-2


Say fuck in school nobody says anything.
Levante. [there were a lot more Spanish one word lines I didn’t get]
Nothing came on Asiya.
“It’s not right now daddy!” [to put my foot down about him and the girl]
This is
Your cellphone,
One Asiya. [he has two phones now so to call the girl next door covertly. The cops have said any contact with her they’ll beat him, since she’s 13 and he 19]
Now science
Leave a message:
(Please no rigidity doughnut.)
I’m gonna put my phone
Two a day
She calls. [to allow him two phone calls a day, her or her mother calling him, not him calling]
We’re in business.
How does subject feel?
I’m not prepared
To meet all these people.
You know they don’t like talking about it.
Under you know what
Too sensitive.
Aware of our goats. [vision of someone opening a barn door and looking in]
Don’t fit,
Too much of corn,
Too much of thing.
Give them one very weekly [presumably send something every week to those entities in Auroville and the ashram until they contact me]
I’m ready.
He has to be.
Not a simple file sharing program?
“You’re really in the country.”
“You don’t want any pussy?”
Oh that’s los plantonos. [Spanish for bananas]
Try it again:
Show word.
Locomotive down there.
Hold it there.
Can we slow it down?
Really want me to.
I do not think it was an accident
Drop that phone. [in addition to my stuff, this is about Asiya having the two phones, the spare one from a friend so he can use it for calls and his for downloads he says. Anytime my boys lie to me the muse tells me, and they just hate that]
Now he talks to her
And laid Mr. White Boy
Open to the public
Bring your flag. [that if he continues defying the police’s order it would come to bear on me]
You know what a refrigerator is?
They find it zero
A little bit better.
Put my hand in my pocket
The equivalent:
I’m not growing anything.
Not that if you call
That’s the research. [corrected instructions on how to deal with him, and the suggestion his phone(s) will be searched to see if he’s called]
What’s the problem?
From Tamil movie
This most basic sense, [of Asiya’s going for the girl at all costs, something Tamil movies have helped to instill in him, and he’s emulating the male actor in a movie he’s told me, Vijay I think, the movie about him operating based on a romantic obsession]
How he won the girl
No problem.
Oh I’ve stopped calling him.
He’s calling her now. [he’s said she’s calling him]
The rest lies with Asiya. [he’s lying]
You think marriage.
Someone cast on a tree,
He’s important to you.
I’m out.
Even he
Could see it
You called you dialed this number.
And I blew it
They came anyway.
Watch the human race.
Give ‘im to his parents? [his grandmother, sister, and uncle]
Our boy,
Deal with ‘im.
“I’m not a program that you have to find anymore.”
Holy night,
Back this up will yah?
Not anybody’s business?
Go on about your business.
We have the OR.
He’s under-neutered.
Ask him to whip this thing,
And the daddy you’re dealing with
The one department that’s doing it:
What he did in front of me. [end of a dream where Asiya is riding Lydia’s bike with someone on the back and wrecks into a drainage hole killing Lucy our dog and the other boy he was pumping, but it’s not sure they’re dead, but you can see Lucy’s stiff body with the strong suggestion of death]
Is asking something:
Leave the time player,
The milk.
“Stop and go daddy.” [Dhina’s voice]
Go to Kuruchikuppam and safe. [where I was told not to send him earlier by other muse]
I hurt his feelings.
Tell him to stop and go to school.
“Damn, damn, damn, damn,
I cannot go to school.” [he’s almost stopped school completely over this obsession]
I’ve got to stop giving him belong to you. [to the girl’s mother, a suspected prostitute]
We’re calling her.
She put the
Shock on.
And then he told me
He’s been up to my face.
I’m not cookin’ for ‘im,
And that’s gonna learn a lesson.
“Sorry daddy,
That lesson isn’t.
That lesson stink.”
You take 15 minutes.
You take away from the house.
Wanted around.
Did it.
While you end across the street enjoy themselves.
We’ll just,
Hey, this goes off the back.
Frank we have here
The new drama boy.
They’re not gonna buy you sweets.
Jennifer has give up on items.
Sound in time, [each word sung separately and slow, last word a little bit drawn out]
Love to free that sound in time. [sung, for the new song, sound has the accent]
Take a look at yall’s,
The hottest
Of the watch right now.
Same thing you do:
Go home this week.
Has it made an impression
Gonna right now
Blow his nose?
Lemmie see your phone.
Pull it.
First he went to
That husband
Then God.
This is senior
Right here this is.
Your note,
Study through your note.
Smuggle a fortune
Of veggies
Tryin’ to find people.
Just be quiet.
My budget,
To red one five huh?
I’m not gonna throw the baby out here. [not to send Asiya out]
Love him too. [lines begin about Larry while still talking about Asiya]
Gonna brought it minute made.
What does it look like?
Lie faster
Then fade with me now
Next to the school.
Be quiet,
It’s handy on the ground
Puttin’ her room
Over again.
Stop at nothing
Get us out of here.
He says
Top performance
This submission post. [Larry, who sent me a poem yesterday with no intro, only, “Please read this poem,” presumably what poetry should look like performed, a YouTube ‘poem’ written by or in the attitude of the Occupy movement, really more like a poetic prose essay spoken angrily, anger at the bad guys, sad at the good guys asleep. I sent him a reply asking for his creativity and saying the poem has the same difficulty I’m having with him, that she, the poet, doesn’t see herself as part of the problem, that the good us and bad them isn’t the way to wholeness. He sent the email after rejecting my poems for his magazine Collaboration]
Talk about growing up.
Going to be earthquake.
Your own,
What we’re talking about.
Gonna do friends a lot of times.
That ugly blue like that,
That’s available.
Award winning difference
My blue.
What ja say to me? [he was not nice in his reply rejecting the poems]
What happened?
Look at Larry,
All in his gut.
He chose a fool.
That’s what I’m talking about.
How do you like me?
Your party’s there.
On my phone.
You’re not listening
The lawyer,
The lightning,
They’re not assigned to me anymore.
I get off early.
Let me go.
I’m sorry,
Who am I to go?
Music that wake up
They’re marching you,
The miracle
On the radio.
Very good,
Está bien.
Just a second.
“There’s absolutely nothing we can do about anything.”
Can’t figure it out.
Think that right?
I have collage
If you ask me
What I saw.
Oh, sorry,
If you ask me.
For Freedom
He lost your phone number,
So he’s going to look at you,
Nothing else,
James your come across,
Even seriously:
“It’s good to see you.”
I’m at New Orleans
Foreign countries
Hear me. [words said separately, slowly]
I can’t do any little hair 8 billions of years ago.
“Me too.”
Only pack left?
This one is noteasy.
It’s over,
You gotta sweep with the head. [vision of a zombie coming inside a space and the humans discovering they do indeed have guns, small machine guns, but they shoot at them not aiming at the head until the man says this instructing them to]
And that didn’t happen
Take a long time
Oh wrecks my face.
Cause it happen
Cause it’s yours.
Let something happen,
The difference
Between mine and his
Try to
Wear it
You don’t know where
Break up.
I’m behind.
Could I found the heart view?
I’m about to.
Let ‘er down,
Nailed it down.
“Your foot’s so interesting.”
Oh our school.
Donny you’re a brag it right.
I will try.
Oh we’re busy. [vision of some office or factory worker]
“This is a,
A serious phenomenon.
I’ve been thinking about this.”
Don’t leave anything behind.
Then go back into your mind.
How to glory
Extra people.
“Oh you’re bullshit.”
What kind of lawyer is that?
You’re from the East Side.
He’s from behind.
Mom and dad told me
Stop the neck
Did it in a heartbeat –
Concentration wall.
I’m afraid so,
More body for your soul.
And so it’s away from you.
I got some Larry
Right out in my face.
We all do that:
Go way in Austin.
Take me to Tweenie’s.
This is get your cigarette.
I’ll be going
Make sure he stays at the house.
Make sure youstay at the house.
That lever,
It’s not your heartfelt see,
Share you office.
Everybody look at you.
You mean however many people,
Not everybody.
That happens in California.
That’s your sister see.
“That’s Donny.”
Wanna hit this girl
With a load of muse.
You were cussin’ it before.
Human unity,
You workin’ to prep?
Human unity,
You workin’ it out?
We’ll have a bit of a problem
Get off the board.
What do I tell ‘er?
She’s naturally creative.
I’m at this point
I’m glad I’ve met you.
I offend you.
Say it:
“You’re so dramatic.”
A video [the music video For Freedom]
Give ‘er.
“Who ordered this?”
I’ve made it,
This savvy business with star wars.
My dad died. [could not find out if this is true]
The people in Nacogdoches are like Indians.
I’d never find out.
He blame me for it,
The plague,
The broken,
Between us.
“Gonna smile,
Donny I really am.”
Look good at this cancer.
It’s over honey,
And that’s not away from views.
That’s his sincere apology.
He’s on his way now.
Is he a ghost?
He’s on his way to the North Pole.
Look at his.
He’ll tell you
He’ll read your letter.
Tell ‘im to change
He wants to keep it,
The cross for the payment of sin.
Dropped him off
At where he’ll find the truth of the matter,
Under the matter.
He’ll see.
You’ll see him.
That’s his go on board
Rocket spirituality. [my dad is a fundamentalist Christian]

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