Post 8

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Bear Witness Daddy! [‘daddy’ shouted by one of my boys]

     This is the continuation of my daily muse journal, which is also my spiritual journal, which I started with Issue 4, a journal begun in 2001, though for reasons explained in the introduction I’ve begun the postings from it starting on August 15, 2014 and will continue posting weekly roughly three days from it until it seems time to leave off for awhile. Since this is dramatic poetry, a dialogue with multiple speakers, and also a narrative of the daily events of my life as they register on the inside of me, like looking at the world from underwater, reading the introduction and beginning at Issue 4 would greatly aid in understanding the text.

Sept 2-3 2014

You’d have to live in here.
What do you think?
No. [vision of someone poking their head up out of those empty small plastic multicolored balls that fill a netted children’s play area in a pizza place or park and shaking it no]
To go down highway,
That’s a princely notion test,
That’s quite underground.
What you can do
Is obey the rafters:
Try not to fool with too many rules.
You’re guardin’ your room.
The only difference
Keep cuttin’ it out
What you’re supposed to look like.
I can’t tell you how to be nobody.
So you go on the streets.
I wouldn’t have gone
Originally
If I didn’t follow my hair.
“What a blasted notion.”
Your inability to follow your room
Made you fill it.
All those .docs
Showed you some time hair.
Original stayed notion.
“We discovered your family
In there.”
Your biggest one,
Sweetheart city,
You just had to rewrite the rules.
He was impossible to muster,
And Mugu like that.
He was just fire in your eye.
You channeled him
Plum over what the teachers,
What they did for him,
What they did for you.
I think you should carry him along
Tell he sees himself naturally.
The Mother supporting this opportunity.
Nothing gets home…
Blue,
Talk to her.
“I don’t believe her either.
Out of this house.”
What would you take as a condition?
“You’re just tryin’
To get into this movie, huh?” [into Auroville’s]
No, my appointment.
Their commitment
Is not a game a reality.
Now I don’t
Fit nowhere on that money side.
Somebody broke.
Can we have some rosebushes please? [actually looking for two to plant out front, but in the plant shops there are only the miniature ones]
You would be surprised from the ashram,
Yet they came.
You got it. [went there to ask based on this suggestion, but it didn’t pan out]
To look like that,
My husband.
Usually a racial slur
Commitment.
It goes without saying.
They’ve seen you in your room.
A field,
A great guardian there,

Your commitment. [these lines came sitting at the Samadhi at the ashram]

He sacrifices for his friends.
Next time he comes here
He uses his will.
How split open am I? [Asiya asking, but the other meaning of me asking too]
You are a field swarm.
Is that the right bottle?
Take a metal to bring me here.
When he gets back with his friends and family,
With all due respects,
That girl just fade into oblivion. [his girlfriend, the girl next door]
Ladies are numbered.
Hear me,
The air is not away from him.
A surprise reunion,
That’s what he’s looking for.
This is surprise blood.
Where should we be taking him?
He’s not coming
Came the reply.
I wanna see the parents.

You can do that. [though the ‘my stuff’ meaning is here, this formation is primarily about Asiya, who was in Kuru with his family for the afternoon, where he went after school, and when I went to pick him up last night, because of these lines I expected him to stay, but that’s not what they meant. He told me on the way home he wanted to go there after school every day and be picked up at night so as not to be bothered by wanting to contact the girl so close she lives, next door, his bedroom window open on her rooftop where she dries clothes]

I can have it all

Now I’m dancing for my life. [sung, for the new song, from Flashdance, sung with the original singer’s voice complete with music]

“Or even hallucinate Savitri.”
We’re camping away about 500 yards.
Gets that brown paper bag off of the food.
More often it’s not dad,
Around the food.
That’s a flagpole right/rite. [this formation continues about Asiya]
You know the lion inside?
Tie that wisely like I’m enroped.
Why don’t we figure this out?
You see, I’m afraid we got that movie.
Big 5 or 10 stop it with him.
Shut up daddy. [Asiya’s voice, what he says to me a lot these days, quite meanly]
Kinda helping.
Your master doesn’t care.
He gets down the road
Lovin’.
What would you expect from a tree?
Rest and then give you 5 minutes.
You have to live in here
At the station
Your bomb mad at me.
Honey come ‘ere,
I want you to .doc for him.
I want you to look at this.
Whadda I do?
Gets to the point later on
He wasn’t listening.
You won’t believe how taught
Getting how to deal with you.
Powered me home.
Advise him.
That’s great isn’t it?
Let’s go with the passion guys,
Dangerously. [refers to my anger at him, last night especially]
Cook I have no idea.
Come on,
You’re so dumb
You can’t…
“Daddy see
I’m not doing.”
Wait a minute,
You’re still not off medicines.
Will see
What the doctor’s going to allow.
Shut that downed window!
Little heart big time.
And I love you.
Now get off me.
Be pigs about God.
I gonna roommate with,
With the right way of life.
Can you see God in here?
“Go daddy.”
God’s the one took us by the hand.
That’s who we live with.
You’re at the most type of television.
Put two eyes fully on Me,
On you,
A smart what to do.
It get crazy after awhile,
Tryin’ to avoid the title
Put Your Eyes on God.
That’s his birthday money.
Ramiya [the girl’s name]
Is not a whisper
Of divine delight.

School has been. [art school, which he almost dropped out of account of the girl]

Yoga
In my school news right now.
Asiya has said one word out loud to me,
That word to help him make the adjustment.
He only blow everything up
When I try to sleep.
Wouldn’t help.
Beating back before the row
There was something called
Phenomenon.
I’ve often sit here and wondered how in the hellare we gonna get you through school.
He’s often like a big rag.
That’s pretty orange there,
Not a solo district.
Each one of us the starving dog.
Look at the hair chests,
Fat.
Asiya’s boring.
He has some days
Some doing something.
No play the computer,
No computer time.
Nice you now
You didn’t.
Don’t throw it away,
Don’t throw it away.
All this shots we’re doing.
Asiya get ready.
It takes me 10 minutes to do the bullshit
Flying in the face of all that looove.
Six feet on the outhouse.
I’ve come to save you.
Then save.
Asiya.
“What? What? What?”
Asiya’s first wild.
Hello?
Put that Othello.
You’ve gotta be kidding me.
Look that’s behind you.
Run all the way to gun
And go look at it.
Cause you’re pretty good.
In interpretation of your material.
There’s a good computer there.
How’s he want us to go back?
Broad daylight,
You’re such a good guy.
I’ll look.
That’s insincere.
“What, think I’m being loud?”
And being purposefully charming.
That’s a good attention span.
What movie?
Grow it some.
Sit around and refuse.
He’s not gettin’ any.
That was a good smoke.
There’s your answer kiddo.
There’s your payment.
It will review
To the top of the world.
Go a hello,
Oh baby.
Have him read a little bit. [to try and have him read Othello]
You would monitor that answer.
You would have to read it with ‘im.
I’d have to read?
“Don t they do that?”
Nothing they great put away
Save some Savitri.
“That’s not the one
I’m gonna
Take a look at.
I’m growing tired of this.”
Asiya on yoga,
Asiya on uniform.
“I like big brobio and blue eyes.”
They told him to sleep.
I’m a boulevard, [pause after a, the last word: bou le varrrd]
And you don’t know what

You say you are. [these three lines sung, for the new song]

“Since we call harshest men
At the border.”
“What are you going to do here?”
I’m going to become enlightened. [end of a dream where I was in a small auditorium in Auroville, or a representation of it, since it didn’t look like Auroville, and a man sitting next to me asked me the question. There were older children present, teens or almost, and one girl surprised me with her knowledge by saying something about how she wasn’t abused and so didn’t dress outlandishly, though she said it differently, lines of muse I didn’t catch. She was speaking about a young man 18ish that had on his head this long clip that had green cleaning pads handing down from it, and other weird things about his style of dress, implying that he dressed like that because he was abused. He wasn’t embarrassed about his manner of dress, but he was angry at the way people judged him. A man behind me with a very strange English accent told me that he walked some walkway in New Hampshire, and I told him New Hampshire was just the next state, because in the dream I was very familiar with Auroville, which the dream had in New England, not India]
He doesn’t see
All the wonderful reflection. [multiple meanings, but immediately it meant not showing Asiya all this muse now]
Will stitch you permanently. [make him like Stitch in the movie with that name and meaning as well as stitch as in sew]
Figure that’s it
Guerilla man.
Eyes in the back,
The back of his head.
Rule out dangerous
With a pencil.
Because you’re the one
It’s so dangerous to be with.
“What was that?”
The danger has
Transformed.
We are looking
To find the answers
To all the big questions
Of what life is all about.
Paradox,
Every change you get. [vision of going through a box of books and pulling out one that shined out to me like the film The Missing Picture did I picked last night at the DVD shop. The book was named Paradox, and the second line is also a title of another book. There were many books, but I only caught the names of these two]
A collection
Of the hottest material.
A collection
Of some of the hottest material.
A collection
Of some hot material.
“What happened?”
I hate Jim
I thought
Basically.
That was perfect.
“How did you do it,
Got any food?”
This is not easy.
They always want you on line,
And they make
Everybody
Look good darlin’. [like your dreams, your muse makes you important, the central figure]
First
For a Galveston,
For a bridge.
I love to rub him. [vision of Asiya laying on the sofa without a shirt and I rubbing his chest and stomach, and the scar on his shoulder that he got in the accident that broke his leg, on a errand for the girl’s mother next door, was very pronounced and purple, but still only a scar. This turned out to be prevision, as this morning he was in exactly the same position on the sofa with his shirt off as in the vision, but instead of rubbing his chest and stomach I had his head in my lap tossing his hair, telling him we were going to read Othello, and I didn’t remember the muse about showing him affection until later, recording it to the computer]
Be nice,
We got to get going.
First I’m unbelievable,
A history lesson.
“You’re right next to me
Comedian graphic.
That is new.
Good luck in it.”
Dunno,
Say we have luck.
That’s a beautiful change.

Sept 3-4

In 8th grade:
“Hey I can get a room
And a roof over my head.”
We’d be in the weeds.
Your television set would get muddled.
Don’t listen to Strangers.
Funny, I talk to them.
In Your lap –
They had me like I had Asiya this morning.
Just understand the patience.
Move to the 3rd floor.
“There’s no plan for you, huh?”
I give infinity vision.
Now we’re out of high school.
“You’re some kind of nut driving a taxi down there.”
You just jump out of vision,
All of our analogies.
What are you talking about spider web?
Something infinity calls sing.
Did this happen to fish?
It’s an equality bracket.
Okay spiritual vision hold down the fort.
It’s time to see if the world needs me.
Okay spiritual vision jump ship.
The world is not available on request.
“Then who’s the cigar?”
Let’s say infinity needs me,
What the world in that equation?
“You mean they don’t like you?”
Nothin’ new,
First one decided,
Knowing bishop at the moment,
Long mitred hand.
It is just not infinity.
“How do we get away from this soliloquy?”
It’s not infinity they serve.
“Wreck it Ralph.”
I hate when vision shows me a door that leads to pain.
I am just so frail diamond.
How do you warn people about sleep?
They say it took so long,
And I’m in my room again.
You just take this vision and say,
“Infinity notebook,
Can we call you the monster?
Go! Get out of here!”
You don’t know
What paper play.
Move your hand
Only after opening notebook,
Only after seeing vision true.
Five chapters
I’m tellin’ yah.
It’s the whole vision
You got in your mind to ask.
Remember,
You want to see who I am,
Questions answered.
Just a minute.
Wow,
That’s a diabolical plan.
How many miles per hour?
Sack a home,
Disperse a family.
I wouldn’t smoke cigarettes.
You think I’ve got weapons of mass destruction?
Here,
I’ve shown you power,
Its unjust beginnings,
Its rude origins,
Power you yourself would call corrupt.
Now The Pupil and His Divine
Can infinity
Paper.
A headset an hour’s net.
Have you ever been flabbergasted?
Do You Like the Boy?
Do You Bet? [title I selected]
There is your father. [confirming the above poem, the three following lines and the beginning of the next formation not part of poem]
See was normal.
Thank you room,
It’s got all our questions on it.
Meat packaging plant,
It’s a red hot menu.
Let’s see the other end.
Diamond rose,
Something great on the table.
Would you add an expression? [add to the poem?]
Bottom [from here to the psychic being line lines to add]
Has room for yah.
“Are you serious?
Put me down.”
I mean by the heart.
Your witness
The psychic being see my face. [last line of the poem]
Vehicle,
I just added a heater,
Music room.
Looks like you missed
Their thoughts:
“Boring.”
They’re determined
I don’t be in pictures.
Go over with you
Detonator.
They played with it.
“Well Noah,
I’m gonna kick his ass.”
The next sequence of events
Will tell you if they heard you or not.
If God bring politics to the earth.
Here there came a man attempting to find out who
The beneficiary is.
Asiya wrong in bed.
That is my specialty.
Layla’s together excuses
(Lyla). [this word whispered, his old girlfriend, closer to his age and not such an obsession]
“Wait daddy,
This is like a new movie.
Half of the movie
I show you at.
The ground
Is Lyla.”
Well what do you laugh him?
Stranger fall asleep.
Put Lucy – [our dog, who sleeps each boy, the love puppy of the house, a needed object of affection in any household with kids I’d argue, a dog or a cat]
He looks so obligated.
Again,
I don’t know these people.
Look is his mail easier to reach. [his own muse, if he’ll listen]
You can lose ‘er right now.
You can’t lose it that’s fine.
I guess my kid a romance cinema’s.
To the women at the bar
He lived like this:
Meditating
Your commitment.
House you want:
Finger lickin’ good.
“You’re lyin’/lion.
You’re sexual
Several hum
Boston cherry loud.”
“Look at him.
I don’t get it:
We want him to do that.
An airplane
Bomb him.”
“Who does he think he is?”
It would be
Nature’s plan [this and above line sung, for the new song]
Asiya.
“Let’s get this guy.”
If you’re hungry,
I don’t need the help.
So the soliloquy.
It doesn’t rob vision. [the new poem]
This is good stars.
Give this to them please.
Relax,

Right at dawn. [send it to who in Auroville and the ashram I’ve been sending poems and letters to, which I did after putting into short verses]

If it’s a problem you buy it.
They are told no problem.
“What does it mean?”
Eyewitness,
They were witness.
Very collage,
Infinity,
But
Melted butter.
“Has there been any banana?”
It is ending.
I learned how.
“Okay honey,
So
Dangerous chair?
I’m just askin’.”
I’m not
Sitting
In a dangerous chair.
Took a long time
Sitting there.
Over a million dollars
The milk you’re getting.
Well this
Was a walk of that look
Doing me down to a science. [vision I’m looking out the kitchen window of a typical suburban American home watching a lion walking in through the front door, another big cat suggested behind it]
“You got a camera?”
Decoy
Your detail
Nobody lost.

Go bother your sister. [send the email I sent with the poem also to her, and I did to my step-brother too, neither of whom will speak to me]

I give it to you,
Means to be organic,
Good crafted,
Your choice.
I’m not a Ranger see?
New to vision
I’m something beyond termination.
I have a message:
It’s not the rules that we adhere to,
And people change.
See God
For that kind of stuff.
Photographer,
We talked about it before:
Focus.
“Now is your vision turmeric?”
No,
Mine,
Donny Duke see.
“I have a question:
Now where will this put them?” [the email and poem meant also]
12 o’clock rose.
Don’t delete what’s going on.
You must see my mistake.
And spill water on the floor
Not 10 days back.
Please excuse us nowadays.
I had to get up starting.
“What daddy?” [Mugu’s voice]
There’s something besides do’s and don’ts
Infinity big.
Rise by the rules,
It’s not screwed you today.
You’re hit when you don’t believe it,
And it’s fall overboard.
That’s infinity’s vision.
That side
The lever.
I’m gonna push this thing all the way downtown.
I just let ‘im go
Cook some up.
I’m very hungry.
You have that in martial arts too:
Even the best have to change after a season.
Take Jackie Chan.
Take all my children from me if they whistle.
This guy whistle.
And we’re walkin’ on chains.
You just back up the house.
How can I explain to you infinity’s rules?
It wouldn’t be a rulebook.
There’s a lot to be said for single minds.
Okay the accent’s on rule.
You just jump in lively shorts.
Take a vision whole:
I’m dirty too.
We got out of that mess.
It’s the soliloquy.
Now pardon your room.
Don’t breed tyranny.
Closer,
Closer to the truth.
It’s not my toilet seat you understand.
Donny that’s good line.
I’m scouting for tomorrow.
This is not acceptable today.
A robotic arm,
That’s such a field for us.
Nature made us no.
The mongoose says:
I’d bite on the program.
You want a natural arm movement.
Coached, schooled, cajewled
To end foolishness.
Inner change,
That’s what whistles the program.
Don’t do it no more
Didn’t work.
What so naturally arose
Had me stop.

Sept 4-5

 

[vision of a steep bare grassy hill, mountain-like so steep it was, surrounded by other such hills, and on it near the top but not on the top, on the a part of the steep slope one could put a shelter, was a very primitive make-shift shelter, with 4 poles on the corners no walls, the poles irregular small tree trunks. The tarp roof was flapping wildly in the breeze. It appeared a hermit’s perch]
So he could listen to the face of the deep.
You ever been in here before –
A tall heart?
Something backwards
I ain’t a good student.
I have no idea
A grasp idea.
Give this to him strong.
Alright follow the leader.
I think you’d turn your own vision out.
Such a bossy program.
Take it to your shorts,
Or whatever has you rob infinity.
In close to the night
And close to the moon
The soul…
I am reader of one take out expedition.
Hear that squirrel please.
What to cross now,
Original chain,
Or stomp worth
Golden harassment?
Will you stop him?
Did you hear him?
Listen.
Night of cloistered seconds.
I thought he’d jump into the classical guitar champ.
If I say no beg and complain?
Somebody’s knocking on the door,
Elephant,
I know that elephant:
Blue moon. [the God Ganesh, who speaks a lot of my muse, whom the boys adore]
Hear me
Whenever I call.
That lines detail.
You see he managed to earth.
I just go straight.
My movies came back:
Bom, bom, bom, done, done. [spoken like I recorded guitar sounds, though spoken here very slowly with no life at all as if to say the new song lacks life]
Did you like it?
Five hundred yards away from electric.
The fish,
That fish hook.
And you practice. [the new song]

That’s a good girl. [as I’ve said, my vital is female, and this refers to her]

“Wow,
This is just very revolutionary.”
They take over my pencil.
Meanwhile I’m pretty bossy.
“What’s speaking to you?”
“Wait daddy.” [Dhina’s voice]
“With Dhina daddy.”
That boy is so stupid.
I’m not complaining.
Get him off of my department,
Will yah?
It’s open
Behind him.
That’s why stupid
And closed then.
They’ll fuck the arrangement.
You just hear ‘im.
I don’t want those fish.
You take those fish.
“What are you talking about?”
Crown and fool.
I’m not lying to the secrets.
A soldier with whom humanitarian purpose,
Come his job.
I kill high past.
World-Shove-It,
I gave her yesterday
An omelet.
“What was that one about?”
A rave code,
Lucy come here I go.
“What did then,
Shut the door?”
They just don’t want to see you.
Please I wanna sit now please,
Please, please,
This is my pocket leader,
Come on.
What are we gonna do now?
The injustice,
Oh goddammit.
Where I give up.
Would you
Show me something?
Swear to God
It is not clear.
Now, go on on with my morning.
Whatever gets read?
Street knowledge
A little bit.
That’s evil
They’re not gonna do it.
I’m in the kitchen cooking,
And the other cook here,
Veg.
The walls are zero.
“You’re not the hairy face I need.”
Come here not this time.
Uptown with a child
Nobody liked,
Nobody even looks at.
“You’re lyin’ to me.
You’re deep shit.”
That’s what I told the alphabet.
If he can get work it into that power.
Work it into that power.
Is this reply might?
“No daddy,
Not even try.”
Still,
I gotta talk to your sister.
It’s her brother.
“I just wanna be around.
Where’s that sliding door, huh? Huh?”
Where they look 21.
Give me a leader.
On my glasses.
No nobody drank.
Stop and say smile please;
He’s changed.
Look down at that glass.
Thick glass.
1776 swelling inside the walls of Paris,
It’s the power you got in your room.
How is it?
Can it get out?
It’s amazing,
With your parents.
Okay,
Leave that where room.

Your self some time okay? [to go to sleep, else up all night, but lines came that I didn’t record about what is behind me messing up my muse and the need to get rid of it and also about sending that email to Jeff, Gwen’s husband, to get it to her, how it wasn’t a good idea]

Would have been leaving if that at Galveston or something. [end of a dream where I was back in Garberville at the homeless shelter there, now very well organized and located in the bricked buildings that make up the downtown center, in the dream, and both Douglas and David are there, but we’re not so much talking with one another, not out of any rift though. At one point I’ve been in the ‘holy of holies’ of the shelter, it’s inner sanctum, and I’m going through the tiny hall transition where you have to close one door to open the other and meet both of them in that space, but we don’t talk to each other, they together going into the innermost room and I on my way out, but I should’ve spoken to them, as soon I found myself in need of their help. Outside the shelter I’m told by some guys that I’m targeted for being killed by the same mob that had just killed a minor attracted person, and I go on about how death is not that at all, talk about it in soul terms, and they can kill me, showing a lot of bravado I didn’t really have, since right after that I decide to leave town, scared of being killed. I check the money that the shelter had given me, but it’s  not much a 40 and a 20, and I vaguely recall I have a whole lot of money in my wallet, and so I begin to make my way to the bus station or whatever way I can leave quickly. Before I get more than a few steps I’m spotted by the mob, who are the same people I took care of when I was working with the homeless people there. I see them sitting a ways away, recognize especially one older woman who was crazy who I thought was my friend, and they see me and yell, “There he is!” They jump and begin running towards me, a mob intent on murder. I’m terrified almost, but have my wits to try and make it back inside the shelter, but suddenly it gets farther away. I have to grasp the bricks of the corner building with my fingernails things are so not into me getting to safety. The dream ends before they reach me, and it’s up in the air if they do or not]
What right of way?
The hand of the deep.
Am I safe?
It’s what we all fear,
Cause we’re human.
From out of town.
While it is actually a threat,
They couldn’t be mean.
Won’t actually come out.
Hello?
The people that hear about it:
I am a miracle.
Different building,
That’s how we get placed.
It’s wonderful.
There’s Jeff.
He’s feelin’ a little bit down on himself:
He the monster.
Do we toke togas then?
You get the house.
Lydia papery
No longer there,
And your house,
And your room,
No longer kids rule.
Earth is not easy. [a new poem begins]
You put it there,
My shaving cream.
No one has ever punished me.
The robotic legs of Shakespeare,
I send a bull down there in that camera
You have studied.
We’re catching ground.
I wanna stay in a little house
In front of the heart stop.
This will be 700 dollars.
Don’t let them live
(I wanna birth in 1992)
Those who eviled.
I didn’t reply.
That’s a good stopping point India.
You might not be blessed or able to help,
But I would be.
The Islamic State
A new faction of hate in the world.
Over 6 months
Those two they apps
His head off
In history.
You just bullshitting.
You have a drink
Of this man’s blood
After each meal.
Wahhabi what are you doing?
It wasn’t supposed to be like this.
Incredibly painful
“What would pass between us is not honor.
(I’m Boko Haram.)”
The Middle Ages
You broadband into our living rooms.
Would something float in your house doc?
Skateboarding.
I’m supposed to get you to work.
It’s not fair
Human beings
That you let go.
Capitalism of the earth
Unfriendly arm,
What we have here is unfriendly arm.
Twenty-four rupees,
Thirty four,
Who was so bads together?
That’s why he stole from
The world.
Thousands are people,
Are people
Who are moving.
Come on Islamic State,
Show mercy in exile.
Yes I was shocked.
Can you name this poem?
The Holy Koran.
Reverence,
If you can’t honor your actions honor the Koran.
I’ll fire something very good.
We pull on it
Baseline.
That is something
I can’t discuss openly.
All the question
Never finish.
I know some of you
Thinks it human. [the first parts of a poem about the Islamic State. It can be read in its entirety in Pages, Poems on Government and War]


Mugu and Lucy

 

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